Glasses and Stands
by NightinGem
Summary: An unfortunate mishap with a cybernetic, ill-tempered dinner plate lands the Hetalia crew in a strange town known as Kabuki-cho. Some fourth wall-breaking, housebreaking (plus some home-breaking), and finger-breaking ensues. Germany misplaces his undergarments, England and Otae host a cooking show, and Shinpachi has to break the bad news to an otherwise-delighted Canada. ON HIATUS


**Disclaimer: **Hetalia belongs to the illustrious Hidekazu Himaruya, and Gintama belongs to a glorious gorilla (Hideaki Sorachi, to be precise). Unfortunately, or perhaps indeed for the better, I do not own either. Also, this may or may not cause a slight, eensy-weensy bit of brain damage and/or break the fourth and fifth walls into your house, so I suggest taking precautions. Any and all works I include as parody also do not belong to me. However, I belong to me, and more than a few subtle jabs at the author will be administered.

**Rating: **T for Ginta–humor, potty–mouths, and the perpetual stripping brought about by France and, well, many male Gintama characters, but only France is doing it willingly. And to be honest, I have no idea why the hell Hetalia is rated more mature than Gintama. Must be the dub, or perhaps some touchy higher–ups who can't take a historical injoke.

**Genre: **Humor, Friendship, Drama, Fantasy, Sci-Fi, Historical Parody, Adventure, with some Ship Tease perhaps for the kicks...well...it's Gintama and Hetalia. We're probably going to rip a hole in the genre universe here.

**Summary: **An unfortunate mishap with a cybernetic, ill-tempered dinner plate lands the Hetalia crew in a strange town known as Kabuki-cho. Some fourth wall-breaking, housebreaking (plus some home-breaking), and finger-breaking ensues, Germany misplaces his undergarments,, England and Otae host a cooking show, and Shinpachi has to break the bad news to an otherwise-delighted Canada.

**Author's Notes: The Obligatory Introduction Edition**

Hello my fellow humanoids, Gem here, and welcome to my humble abode! This is my first attempt at a fanfic (well, one I'm posting for all to see), and of course, I decided I would try to do a crossover of two notoriously difficult to write fandoms: Gintama and Hetalia: Axis Powers.

*cue half-hearted fanfare here*

I'm a rather weak-stomached sort of (female) fellow, with a glorious amount of 0.972% self-confidence and a weak shipping drive (LE GASP). I tend to talk in a want-to-be dignified sort of way, as evidenced by the respelling of the word "wannabe." I have the endurance of a wet paper tissue, and an awful monologuing habit. You could best describe me as a nervous, antisocial, nerdy tumbleweed. I also only watch the sub of Hetalia: sorry to the dub-goers, but the script, voice actors, and flanderization just didn't appeal to me. I hope I don't sound biased or pretentious in any way.

Alrighty, now that I've driven you away, let's go on.

I recently got into Hetalia and promptly became a geek-encyclopedia for it. Already being a rather fanatic Gintamard, the gears in my mind went haywire when the parallels crossed. Historical comedy, diverse, engaging cast of characters, unconventional concept, badass when serious, and a video I saw crossing over Gintama's 22nd ending with the Hetalia character...it all fit so perfectly.

This fic is unfortunately un-beta'd at the moment, as I cannot find a person who has watched both Gintama and Hetalia, so feel free to point out mistakes and areas which could be improved - don't feel pressured to do so, however! I would like reviews, though, if you'd like to write one~ Reviews make an author's heart soar!

Expect snark. I may not be Scottish, but expect snark.

**Some extra info:** I'll try to combine the styles of humor, but at the same time lean a bit more on the Hetare-humor when in the nations' POV and the Ginta-humor with the Yorozuya and co.

**Some extra extra info:** I'll try to stay away from the whole romance thing, but I'll probably apply ship tease liberally when needed, as it's a rather integral part of Hetalia lore. I won't go too far, though, and please do not bash me if I tease a ship you do not like. I'm not really doing anything that explicit, though, unless it's utter canon.

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**Glasses and Stands**

**A fanfiction crossover, Ginta-Hetare-style.**

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_**lesson 0 - if you're going to hold a family meeting, make sure you've turned the stove off in the other room**_

* * *

_**part a: kill the messenger**_

_Setting: Yorozuya Gin-chan, on a pleasant spring morning._

"Well, that's unoriginal. I can see this story's off to a great start."

"Gin-san, that's no way to treat the author! The fact that she's even attempting to write this kind of crossover's probably hard enough already without your comments!"

"Quit being the author's pet, _megane_. This is a stupid idea anyway, aru. I mean, it'll probably start off with some cliché, abrupt universe-shifting gag and end up out of character anyway. I'm just going to walk Sadaharu, aru."

"OI! WHO ARE YOU CALLING _MEGANE_?!"

"She'd better change that setting, or else no one's even going to bother giving us a second chance."

"Oh! I have a great idea!"

"Let's hear it, Kagura."

"Just look at this!"

**Setting: Yorozuya Gin-chan, on a pleasant spring morning.**

"THAT'S JUST THE SAME THING! You bolded the text, but there's no mistaking it. It's almost completely unchanged!"

"Hey, the author didn't give us much to work with. I mean, really, we still don't have anything other than dialogue. People are probably sick of having to identify us. Anyway, I think this will work better, Kagura."

_**Setting: Yorozuya Gin-chan, on a pleasant spring morning!**_

"You're right, Gin-chan! It has so much more personality!"

"What's with that half-assed remark? You barely even added on from the last one!"

"Oh, shut it, Shinpachi. If you want it to be more detailed, than here."

_**Setting: Yorozuya Gin-chan, on the premiere day of Ladies Four, Season Three. The weather's pretty nice, but way too humid for my taste, and the sun's kind of glaring in my face because I'm sitting near the window and I left it half open, plus the cherry blossoms look kind of withered, and I think it's the humidity's fault. We should really install an air conditioner and dehumidifier, next time we get a job. I wish we had a job; it's been like a month since we had one.**_

"THAT'S TOO LOOOOOONG!"

"Well, it'll have to do, because I'm not doing this dialogue-only section any longer."

"Yeah, _megane_, we need to get this thing going, aru."

"...I'm not just a pair of glasses…"

* * *

In the central room of the Yorozuya Gin-chan, a perm-headed, silver-haired man sat at his desk, behind a sign reading "Sugar Content." He haphazardly picked his nose, flicking the booger across the room. Meanwhile, a Yato girl in a cheongsam dragged her unwilling, sleepy behemoth of a dog out of her closet, tussling playfully with the white-furred canine, which was about the size of an impressive panda. Behind her, resting on the couch, a pair of glasses was fuming angrily, exasperated with his-

"YOU TOO?!" The pair of glasses yelled out to no one in particular, "AND AFTER I WAS DEFENDING YOU!"

"Oi oi, Shinpachi. Your use of capslock has probably driven off the few readers we have." Sakata Gintoki lazily scratched his behind, yawning deeply. "This isn't a good way to start off a story."

Kagura nibbled a sukonbu. "Everyone knows Shinpachi is _megane_!" She leapt up and pointed to a group picture of them, framed on the table. "See?" In front of the entrance to Otose's bar, Gin sported a lopsided smile, holding up his hand in a sheepish peace sign. Kagura's blue eyes shone gleefully as she grinned, holding up her arm in a joyful, energetic arc.  
...and a rather well-polished set of glasses were hanging from a string, gleaming from reflected sunlight.

"What the hell? That picture was completely normal a day ago!" Shinpachi whirled around, readying another retort...

It was then our dear Shin-chan noticed the orange-haired Yato girl was conversing with a perfectly normal pair of glasses sitting on the other sofa.

"Nooooo, Shinpachi! What have you done to him, aru?!" Kagura yelped in anguish as she throttled said bespectacled young man, who had thrown the glasses out the window in a fit of pent-up rage.

Gintoki was too engrossed in the latest, enthralling chapter of Bleach to pay heed to the bickering teenagers behind him; he even read through Shinpachi's muffled cries of distress as Kagura sicced Sadaharu on him. "I can't believe this! I need to stop reading Bleach, it's just the same storyline all over again, Tite Kubo had better think of something better next time...c'mon, Ichigo, you can make it through this…!"

Kagura, who had conveniently forgotten or perhaps simply dropped her little spat with Shinpachi, ushered Sadaharu towards the door. Smothered screams could be heard.

"Shinpachi-kun, your stand and Kagura are making quite the racket." Gintoki's dead-fish eyes scanned the JUMP, narrowing at the revelation of Naruto's new ability. He stuck a pinky casually in his ear, digging out the wax.

In the meantime, the China girl had clambered on Sadaharu's furry back, plucking her umbrella from the couch. The Shiba Inu-esque mutt spat his bespectacled prey out, who was bleeding from a rather nasty wound on his head. His blue-and-white kimono was stained in drool.

"Arf!" Sadaharu yipped, giving the author an excuse to space out the lines.

"Well, at least I'm being described normally now…" Shinpachi mumbled. You had to feel sorry for the kid, really. He was getting picked on by just about everyone. "I don't need your hypocritical sympathy!" He might need professional help, though, because he raised his voice once again to a person who wasn't there.

"Oi oi, this isn't very exciting. We've been sitting here indoors the whole time, doing nothing. I feel like we're turning into SKET Dance." Gintoki chided, setting down his JUMP and standing up. "I feel like we've just run out of ideas."

Somewhere, Bossun, Himeko, and Switch sneezed simultaneously. (However, they will not get any dialogue, as this is not their crossover fic.)

Shinpachi stumbled to the bathroom, fumbling for a towel. As he scrubbed his face with a fluffy, light blue one, he noted that for some reason, there were only a pair of toothbrushes in the holder. Slinging the towel over his shoulder, he emerged, ready to toss the sheet into the laundry basket like the housewife he was. He was greeted by an uncharacteristically gloomy Kagura, atop a Sadaharu whose tail wasn't even wagging. It was quite unnerving.

"Kagura-chan...are you alright?" The teenager lowered the towel into the bin, then walked over to his orange-haired friend.

She didn't respond. Sadaharu appeared to yawn, and readjusted his stance to a tense position, as if preparing for the deliverance of a cue. Finally, his owner snapped off the last bite of her sukonbu, throwing away the wrapper in a dramatic Western fashion. "Bye! I'm leaving while I can, aru. I've lost all hope, aru. This author's writing us all wrong, and she's wasted too much time monologuing." Kagura waved uninterestedly, not even bothering to turn her head.

"Um, I'm pretty sure this isn't the _Melancholy of Kagura Yorozuya_." Shinpachi looked around the room, looking for something that could revitalize the plot.

"Bye, Gin-chan, bye, _megane_."

"Guys, I get the title, but we need to stop somewhere - KAGURA-CHAN WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!"

"I'mma take Sadaharu for a walk, aru." What it looked like was Sadaharu climbing up the screen, his paws hanging over the edge as he pulled himself up. Kagura unfurled her umbrella, ready to soften the incoming drop. Unfortunately, this is not in visual format, so you'll have to use your mind's eye and whatever device you're currently on.

"You're jumping out of the entire story?! That's not a normal walk!" Shinpachi's face had become the epitome of flabbergasted. Again.

"I told you, I'm ditching this joint." Kagura's face set into a thuggish grin. "Anego taught me this just in case, aru! Ya-hoiiii!" A purple-and-vermilion blur leapt from the bounds of her world, followed by her giant of a dog.

"Oi, Kagura! Don't leave me alone here! Take me with you!" Gintoki pleaded, scrambling after her frantically.

Gintoki got his wish, in a way, as a large white mound suddenly fell from the ceiling atop him, possibly crushing several bones. Kagura followed, floating down a bit less abruptly due to her open umbrella and neatly trampling Shinpachi's head. The four sat there in a crumpled heap until Sadaharu let out a whimper of a bark and the bun-wearing Chinese girl reached out an arm to stroke him. "What the hell just happened, aru?!"

"Kagura, watch your language! Anyway, I think the problem lies in the fact that WE'RE IN A WRITTEN MEDIUM! There's no way anyone can climb out of the TV screen if there isn't any access to it!" Shinpachi picked himself up, wobbling unsteadily.

"And if we put him like this…ah ha!" Kagura arranged a dazed Gintoki's limbs in a bizarre fashion which made him look like a decapitated turkey, only with a head, abeit one which was being gnawed on by our beloved Sadaharu.

"OI! What are you doing to Gin-san, Kagura-chan?!"

"This is a much better action figure than those guys at M*gahouse ever made for us, aru!" Kagura adjusted the silver perm's body to a pose that suspiciously resembled Dr*gonball Z's Kamehameha readying stance. Sadaharu yipped in agreement, dropping Gintoki's head to the floor. Gintoki, meanwhile, had slowly begun to regain his composure. He was not amused.

"If we keep dissing our sponsors, we're never going to get the anime back, even if we do have four of the top ten spots on MyAnimeList…" Shinpachi bowed his head in resignation, and in doing so, locked eyes with someone in the closet.

"..."

"..."

The staring contest lasted about fifty-seven seconds, persisting through even Gintoki and Kagura's feud, which ended up with her chomping down on his head in a Sadaharu-esque manner, said dog scarfing down the food pellets which had fallen to the floor in the chaos, and Gintoki frantically clawing at Kagura's hairbuns.

"Giiiiin-san! Are you ready? It's time to **** and ******, like we always do!" It was then that Sarutobi Ayame burst out of the cabinet, adorned in all of her bondage glory, sporting a dominatrix outfit whilst half-tied of in a rather uncomfortable-looking rope.

Kagura and Gintoki disentangled and exchanged glances.

One purple-haired ninja stalker went soaring out the window, landing with a thud on a scritched, plain-looking pair of glasses and shattering their already-hairlined lenses. A small toothbrush fell out of her pocket, sitting among the glass shards perfectly unharmed.

"Sacchan-san! Gin-san, Kagura-chan, weren't you going a little too hard?! Sacchan-san may be a stalker, but she isn't a bad person!" Shinpachi redundantly used two honorifics. The author really is running out of ways to describe his frustration, so this half-chapter will be ending soon.

"I'm not going to have that property-intruding pervert dirtying my closets," Gintoki rearranged their contents, "it's where I keep the emergency stash." Now, Shinpachi thought he meant strawberry milk, pachinko money, or something of the sort. Instead, he got a typical Gintama surprise.

"What the hell? WHY IS CHR*S HERE?!" A censor bar hovered over his eyes, but that was very much an unconscious horse-faced Chr*s. Even worse, there were about seven of him, stuffed into a small enclosed area of the cabinet. "This defies all logic! You should be under arrest for kidnapping!"

"Relax, Shinpachi. All you're looking at is some staple rations, nothing more."

"THAT MAKES EVEN LESS SENSE! AND THAT'S CANNIBALISM!"

"We need them, aru. Chr*s was horse-faced before it was cool." Kagura commented before going to shuffle through the contents of the other closet. "J*** should start giving credit to him, aru. The Scandal arc came first." She grumbled in annoyance as something tumbled out and landed with a hard _thwack_ on the floor. "Gin-chan, the T*k fell out, and I think the K*shi is crying." Kagura poked the B'z vocalist with mild disinterest, as if having multiple copies of unconscious celebrities in your house was completely normal.

"Darn, we need him in a few gags. Get him to stop, we need some real Bad Communication puns soon, Kyubei's supposed to bring Jugem-Jugem Shit-Tossing The Life Of Shin-Chan's Two Day Old Underpants Balmung Fezalion Isaac Schneider One-Thirds True Love Two-Thirds Hangnail Anxiety Betrayal Knows My Name Or-"

"WHY!?"

"Let's face it, Shinpachi," Gintoki lifted up his finger, going into Ginpachi-sensei mode. In fact, he suddenly sported glasses and a professor's uniform, the setting has shifted to a classroom. "Gags don't just materialize out of thin air."

"Uh, I think one just did." Shinpachi muttered in his school uniform.

"...and we need to be prepared if the time is right. For example, we have a spare R*nold and Colonel just in case we need one for episodes like 193. You can't just spawn people out of thin air; they'd want to be paid for that." Gintoki shook his head, scratching a rough diagram on the chalkboard. Various realism-drawn men, women, and R*nolds covered the surface, with varying forms of copyright-protecting censors.

"So you just resort to kidnapping?!" Shinpachi rose abruptly from his seat and coughed a bit from powdery white dust. Kagura clapped erasers together gleefully, her goggling glasses filmed over with a pasty spiral.

"No, we're just using their services." Gintoki deadpanned, scribbling some bizarre relationship chart between the various kidnapped celebrities. Apparently, Ronald was exes with F*fi and was now in a committed relationship with Chr*s.

"Arf!" Sadaharu yipped again, which probably had something to do with K*wai's jealousy. This time, his purpose was to give the author an excuse to smoothly transition between characters and settings.

Kagura selected a B*rger King out of one of the surprisingly spacious closets and held him up for Gintoki to inspect, as they were suddenly in the Yorozuya again. Oddly, the chalk dust still persisted, lacing the king's perfectly tailored outfit with disfiguring cream encrustments and granting his crown a spiffy white trim. "Gin-chan, is this good?"

"Yeah, that's about right. You might want to pick a more overweight one, though, that'll make it better."

"Okay!"

"Why are we just shuffling through multiple copies of the same person?! It just doesn't make sense!" Shinpachi inquired ill-temperedly as Kagura began to layer facepaint onto the King, obscuring some of the pasty dust and highlighting his charming smile and marketable eyebrows. She absently kicked one of the awakening Chr*ses back into the closet.

"Gengai made that machine way back in the SKET Dance crossover, remember? The dimension-traveling one? We just picked up a couple of guys each from a few universes and came back here. No kidnapping involved, just enlisting services. They're probably better off living here than in the dumps they were before." Gintoki shook his head sadly, looking for all the world like the head of an orphanage.

"Um, I think they were pretty well off, actually, considering who they are. And that's definitely abduction, dimensional abduction at that. We're just drugging and enslaving them at this point."

"Anyway, this joke's dragged on too long, aru. I've prepared everything; now all we have to do is wait." Kagura hoisted her umbrella up high.

"Wait a second, wait for what?" Shinpachi's eye twitched. He didn't have a good feeling about this whatsoever, and the clichéd line he'd just used confirmed the fact.

"Well, you see, we kind of left the thing in another world by accident, and it started teleporting around like crazy. We were lucky to get back here…" Gintoki launched into a flashback.

He and Kagura were surrounded by ravenous dinosaurs, struggling to stuff an Al** Gr** into a large yellow suitcase. Out of the blue, their flat, spherical mode of transport began to flash green rapidly, like a mutant firefly in heat. Gintoki yelled something about forgetting to feed it sunflowers, and Kagura yelped in dismay, or perhaps frustration as she tried to jam A**'s head into the bag. The circular device disappeared in a cybery flash, and the two time-space travelers were caught in the energy just as the T-Rex from J****** Pa** was about to close its jaws on them. After a brief period of blinding light, the setting cleared. Now, they were stuck in a plaid green-and-ebony space, which almost looked like a rapidly churning tunnel...No way out...this was it…

Suddenly, Katsura appeared in a taxi cab. The Yato and samurai jumped in and they drove off. Katsura started chatting about the latest episode of _Ladies Four_, and they gossiped gleefully. Elizabeth interjected at one point, praising Sandy as the best cast member, and after that, the chat got ugly until Gintoki mentioned the latest chapter of Ichigo 1000%. Dropping them off at the convenience store, Katsura waved good-naturedly goodbye and Elizabeth flashed a **[You owe us seventy-one dollars next time, but I'll let it slide.]** sign, which Katsura missed but Gintoki didn't, and the Joui rode away towards an Okama bar.

"...and that's why Tama's probably going to bust into our room soon, uh-huh." Kagura crossed her arms grimly, while Sadaharu's expression hardened into one matching his owner's.

"What the hell? That was a total cop-out! Why was Katsura–san even there?! And how?!" Shinpachi balled his fists in exasperation, flailing his arms to no effect.

"Oh, he was meeting up with his buddy G**ra. They share similar tastes so they like to go out once in a while."

"Similar tastes my ass! They share the same voice actor, but there isn't anything remotely similar other than that! And what's with the sunflowers?!"

"It's economically friendly, aru!" Kagura piped up, rearranging her mussed hairbuns and staining her locks with yellow facepaint. "And he likes them!"

"I don't think a timetravelling machine is sentient, Kagura-chan." Shinpachi's face had become a vibrant shade of red - whether it was from the pent-up frustration, constant yelling, or perhaps the fact that he'd slammed his head into his hand, the table, and the wall in small tantrums seven times in the last hour.

"Unfortunately, it's bad-tempered. It got angry because we forgot to feed it that morning, so it went off to someone else's house to get a meal instead." Gintoki sighed. "We were too busy finding out who stole my toothbrush earlier that morning."

"You're talking about this machine like it's a cat! Everything Gengai makes ends up like this!"

And that, my friends, is where we must cut off this side of the chapter. No, you do not get to see what Gintoki and Kagura were waiting for. In fact, we may never know…

"That was a half–assed attempt at foreshadowing!"

Also, we shall seek out a psychologist, as talking to imaginary friends at such an age as sixteen is surely a sign of mental instability.

* * *

_**part b: please don't leave your pets unattended**_

_Setting: What would like to be a World Conference but actually is a cleverly disguised war of wits and coffee cake. The third curtain on the left windows appears to be stained with some kind of unidentifiable, luminescent goo, and someone has drawn a sunflower in the stuff. No, I don't know why either._

"All right! Let's start today's World Conference!" America's hyper voice formally initiated the beginning of the event, although quite a lot of interaction had been going on before. Ah, the harmonious, problem-solving gathering of the nations. And by that, we mean utter chaos.

"Stay away from my sister, you corrupting influence!" Switzerland fixed his rifle on Sealand, who was making small talk with his sister about how to become a full-fledged country.

"H-huh?! Eeeeek!" Sealand's eyes went wide and he squealed in confused dismay. Liechtenstein gazed rather puzzledly at her brother, and then returned to nibbling on the lunch that he had made her. The firearms-toting blonde wasn't all that worried about the troublesome micronation himself, but the fact that Hungary had talked to the impressionable boy several days earlier and explained the concept known as Boy's Love, or, in its better known name, "yaoi."

How Sealand had even infiltrated the meeting was anyone's guess, but everyone agreed it was probably the fact that Greece had been on security duty today. Speaking of said cat-loving nation-tan, he was curled up peacefully near the door in a rather uncomfortable position - Sealand had taken his seat. Several cats surrounded him, kneading his chest and nibbling at his curly, wispy hair. A few wandered about the room, giving off soft mews that could not be heard over the great melee that was posing as a business meeting.

"Aniki's breasts belong to me!" Meanwhile, sexual harassment and general tranquility coexisted at the Eastern Asian part of the table, as Japan quietly discussed with Hong Kong next week's fireworks festival and Taiwan excitedly chatted with Vietnam about subjects pertaining to music and handgrenades.

"Aiyaaa!" China darted backwards from South Korea's roving hands, only to slam into something most certainly not a wall.

"Become one with Mother Russia, da?"

China's anguished screams and South Korea's claims that mothers originated from him were lost to England and France, who had launched into a battle to the death regarding the origin of various wildlife species. England launched his loyal comrade, a small, terrified grey squirrel, into France's face, who let out a muffled cry of distress as the small rodent scratched his face in fear. Scampering off, the bushy-tailed squirrel shot straight past Switzerland's back. The already-agitated country swung his gun around and fired off a warning shot on impulse. Said bullet whizzed straight past the Baltic trio and clipped off a portion of Latvia's hair. Said shivering nation dropped in a dead faint.

"LATVIAAAAAA!" Estonia looked on in horror, his Amerimochi slowly devouring his coat pocket and his disturbed Canadamochi being eyed hungrily by one of Greece's felines.

"So, like, what do you think of this new hairstyle, Liet? Not sure if it complements the shirt, though, I mean, frilled collars and a small braid might not go with each other, y'know?" Yeah, Lithuania knew. He was just too busy watching Belarus strangle China with his own ponytail, while Russia attempted to slip stealthily away. South Korea unwisely drew close and chanted happily about how nii-sans were from Korea, you know.

"Ve, Doitsu, look at the cat. Isn't she cute?" Italy cuddled one of Greece's more adventurous kitties in his lap, using one hand to stroke her and the other to pat Germany's shoulder naggingly. The blonde drill-sergeant stiffened and his cheeks took on a slight flush, but at this point he'd given up on trying to quell the room's storm. No matter how much he attempted to incite order, they ended up launching into full-scale wars about trivial things, such as expanding the number of pages that could be fitted into a two-inch book spine

So, he put a rough hand on the tabby's head and rubbed it gently. "Yes, Italy. Yes she is."

"Veveveve~..." Italy collapsed into a heap on Germany's shoulder, drooling a bit. The cat followed suit and closed its eyes, purring softly. Germany gazed at the Italian fondly and exasperatedly scanned the rest of the room. He turned his attention to the area behind Veneziano and stared at the wall, the sweet, glorious wall. Various head indentations already adorned its surface. It beckoned to him. Germany tried to resist the temptation.

On the Nordics' side of town, Denmark was being strangled by Norway, as usual, and Sweden protectively guarded Finland. The purple-eyed, innocent–looking nation casually swatted a maybe-haps drunken Turkey into the ornate pillar behind him. Those around him slowly backed away.

"Aaah, it's Vash the Stampede!" A boyish voice in distress echoed throughout the room, spurning copyright. It was generally ignored.

"…we should have never come." Iceland's puffin complained uselessly. His owner stared impassively at Sealand's frantic form and the very angry Swiss in pursuit. Several shots were fired, and growling about a Nobel Peace Prize, fujoshi, or ineligibility could be heard in between.

"Kyaaaa!" Sealand cried again, stirring Latvia, who stumbled up, quivering profusely. The Baltic State's youngish face suddenly darkened a tad, though it still shook with...was it fear? Terror? Nervousness? Or perhaps a hidden fury? Either way, he took a step forward…

Unfortunately for him, at that moment, a certain grey blur had been scampering across the table, and made a leap for the window, teensy claws outstretched. Latvia was standing in front of that window.

The dirty blonde's quiet cry of distress and fainting spell went mostly unheeded, especially compared to the anguished "LATVIAAAAAAAAAAAA!" his bespectacled Baltic friend let out.

Liechtenstein smiled sweetly. Her large, shiny green eyes were focused on the horror story unfolding in front of her, filled with an odd mixture of serenity and admiration.

That was what unnerved Iceland the most.

He felt a sudden urge to change his seating position. Unfortunately, the only unoccupied seats were Sealand's, which was also next to the angelic-faced girl, and this one guy's, which was...um...whose was that again? Was it even reserved? Anyway, he had a bad feeling about sitting there because it was too close to England and France's spat.

"I'll have you know I was the one who obtained and cross-bred blue roses first, you bloody lecherous gi-!" England's statement was cut off swiftly.

"_Angleterre, _you are getting yourself too worked up over this. I am the one who domesticated the _une rose bleue_." Ironically, France was the more violent one here, contradicting his statements by launching a rather stinging blow to a place England did not like to be hit.

...Yeah, that wouldn't work out.

And said nations' empty chairs were within the circumference of the horror scene that was Korea glomping (and mildly groping) a part-dazed, part-mentally-scarred China and Russia flinching visibly at a very infuriated Belarus. Well, technically their seats were open as well, but…

That was far to near to where the dinner plate resided.

It seemed rather silly, really. Who in their right mind would be scared of such a simple, domestic thing? However, this metal circle was in no way a normal breed of kitchen supply. It was an odd, metallic grayish black color, and sported many computery features, most prominently the perpetually flashing lime-green lights that grew more erratic by the minute. The thing itself was big enough for about four people to stand on comfortably, plus a few more if one was inclined to squish themselves in. It had a sort of gate around it, which stopped halfway around as to provide entrance. Also, did he mention the fact that it was essentially a cybernetic plate with green lights and an unstable appearance? Yeah.

"And that, my friends, is how we're going to solve our problems with dimensional travel!"

The room froze. America had suddenly plucked a microphone off a podium that came from seemingly nowhere, and proclaimed to the world (no pun intended) his ultimate plan.

England and France were caught in a rather awkward throttling position (read: think of Denmark and Norway, minus the tie), and returned to standing, abeit in rather confuzzled stances. "What on _earth_ are you implying, America?"

"Hm? Aw, Iggy, your hearing going out? I'm going to save the world!" America proclaimed with a sweeping motion. "You can help, if ya want!"

"No, you git." England's face grew a lovely shade of pink at both comments. "What I want to know is _what the bloody hell is that_?"

"For once, I have to agree with _Angleterre, mon ami Amerique. _What is the nature of your device?" France's face was just about as puzzled as England's, although his was a more graceful expression of confusion, contrasting the Brit's furious glare.

"Isn't it obvious? It's a time and space machine, like in Doctor Who or something! My scientists discovered it somewhere in Nevada and said so!" America grinned, stroking the small railing around the cybernetic platform.

"First of all, how dare you compare that...monstrosity to the TARDIS, and secondly, what does a device which potentially would potentially allow us to communicate with parallel universes have to do with stock markets?!" England ill-temperedly snapped, casually citing its world-breaking abilities. Remember, he deals with unicorns and sprites on a daily basis - unless it's aliens, it's probably not going to pique his interest that easily.

"I agree with England-san." Japan nodded stoically. The room had suddenly returned to a state of relative peace, or at least the kind which comes when a deer stares deep into the headlights' soul.

"Japan, agreeing with England is just as bad as agreeing with America! Express your own opinions, dammit! And how the hell'd get your hands on that, America? Aren't your NASA people supposed to keep that confidential and under lockdown?!" Switzerland poked Sealand ill-temperedly with his rifle, who trembled uncontrollably.

"Well, I _am _the hero, after all. And besides, it'll help big time! You see, we go and get resources from another world, make a narrow escape from the villains we're taking them from, and run into the portal just as their base self-destructs!"

"I've seen that movie. I agree with America-san."

"Japan, get a hold of yourself! Don't just go along with everything people are saying, express your own ideas!"

"What the hell are you even blabbering about? You're speaking utter nonsense, you bloody fool! There's no way something like that could ever function, anyhow!"

"Hmph, says the guy who sees the tooth fairies every day."

"I'll have you know there is only one, and he is actually male and runs a very busy schedule! Also, he is not a fairy, he is a sprite. There's a difference."

"_Arrêter_! You two need to learn to make love, not war…perhaps I could help you on that..."

"There's no way in hell we're taking lessons from you!"

"Ack!"

As Japan flusteredly tried to agree with both sides and an exasperated Switzerland attempted to give him confidence lessons, America, England, and France launched into a war of words, slaps, and in America's case, attempted karate chops. A surprising amount of innocent coffee cake fell victim, as did several not-so-innocent scones. Thus, the meltdown of the World Conference triggered yet again.

"Heraheraherahera…" Germany watched Italy doze on through the loud crashing noises and shouts of insults, making contented noises in his sleep which corresponded to his cat's purrs. He considered taking the auburn-haired nation and Japan on a hiking trip through Switzerland's mountains in say, thirty-seven seconds from now. Hell, he didn't even care if they forgot to put on their clothes this time.

In the meantime, Russia had escaped from his sister's clutches, leaving the unfortunate China and South Korea at her mercy, and began following a rather adorable tabby around the room. Greece was still resting in front of the door, so his furbabies still roamed the room, making nests in various locations, strutting about impassively, and even joining in the melee. This particular she-cat had taken an interest in America's now-unattended machine, and curled up inside of it, mewling a yawn.

"Such a cute kitty, Lithuania, da?"

"And as I was saying, we should totally get out of here and go to the mall, like, right, Liet?"

"You bastard favorite, I'll tear your balls off after I'm done with the Asian bastards…"

Lithuania glanced around, suddenly barraged by comments and threats. In the end, his eyes settled on Russia, who had plucked a few sunflowers from the broken vase on the floor Several cats were licking the spilt, fragrant water, and an experimental one batted at his scarf playfully.

"Russia-san, what are you doing?..." The Baltic state regretted the words as soon as they left his mouth. In fact, they'd caught the attention of the rest of the nations in the room, somehow, as anything having to do with Russia was considered a matter of grave importance.

"Giving the kitty sunflowers. She's sitting on such cold metal, so she needs something warm to cheer her up, da?" The large nation was cooing over said feline, who most certainly wasn't uncomfortable in her circular roost. In fact, she swiped at the flowers, which had interrupted her beauty rest. As soon as the fallen petals touched the base of the steel-gray machine, the emerald glare intensified, illuminating many a nation-tan's wide-eyed face, or in the case of Italy, felines, and Greece, sleepily serene.

"Oh, Nekogoro-san. She likes baskets, yep."

"See? I told you it worked! Don't underestimate the US of A, baby! Ahahahahahahaha...!"

England's shout of something regarding the banning pets and America from future conferences was drowned spectacularly as the entire room exploded in a burst of energy, bathing the chairs, tables, and nations in a brilliant light.

The nation-tans had quite literally disappeared into thin air. Barring one squirrel, the area was completely abandoned.

"Maple...why wouldn't they listen to me?"

"Who are you?"

"I'm Canada…"

A squirrel and a polar bear, then.

* * *

_**lesson 0, end**_

_The moral of the story? Green and mottled brown do not go together. Trust Poland. He knows._

* * *

**A/N -** So, how have I done? I'm not sure if this was entertaining, or otherwise simply a long-winded jumble of incoherent words. Feel free to point out mistakes or areas of improvement! Anyhow, feel free to suggest a few jokes, skits, or ideas if you wish! Also, I'd really like it if you left a review, even a short one - this is my first published fanfiction and I'd like to see how you guys feel about it. Cheers!

**((Notes:)) **  
**((The Colonel is the mascot of KFC))  
((Ronald McDonald is the mascot of McDonalds.))  
((The King is the mascot of Burger King.))  
((Chris is a talk show host Gintama often makes fun of and uses in gags. It is noted he has a horse-like face.))  
((Jean is from Attack on Titan. He is the subject of a meme which involves him having the face of a horse.))  
((Fifi and K*wai are two more "horse-faced" people Gintama has made jabs at. I'm not exactly sure who they are, though.))  
((Tak and Koshi are members of the popular band B'z.))  
((Alan Grant is the protagonist of Jurassic Park.))  
((SKET Dance is a Shonen manga compiling the adventures of a trio of highschool odd jobbers. It was created by Sorachi's former assistant.))  
((Gaara, of course, is from Naruto.))  
((MyAnimeList is a website which contains information on many anime and manga.))  
((You know what, Google the rest of what you may not understand yourself.))**


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